He was my favorite hurricane...

I've been debating for months on sharing the ups and downs I experienced through my breakups. Its never an easy thing to talk about, and made me feel weak. A friend encouraged me share my story, because from the outside looking in, it looks like I got all my shit together and I lead this extremely happy life 24/7.

For those who don't know me, I believe in the Universe and Karma. Whatever vibes you put out, you will get in return. When I was 21 I had met this handsome man, who I eventually ended up  marrying. Leading up to the wedding , I was certain it was just "cold feet", but the closer the date approached I begged my girlfriends to run away with me instead. We proceed with the wedding. For the next year, I'd pray every day that he would meet someone new, cheat (so I'd have a reason to leave. I knew we weren't meant to be together, but I'm also old school and will stick anything out).  A year later and my wish came true! He had cheated, and we were on our way to getting a divorce. He moved to Calgary with his new girlfriend and months later their apartment was flooded due to the flash flood that year in their city (see, karma IS a b****).

And that is when I met my favorite hurricane... he was sexy, loved fishing, hiking, camping. We'd have rib eating contests, a cake fight in the middle of a restaurant, attend sporting events. We'd have hours on end conversations in the middle of a party, and it was like nobody else was around. He was the male version of me, and I was the female version of him! Both thick headed and stubborn. We moved in with each other, got engaged at our favorite hiking/ fishing spot. We had our wedding song picked out, picked out a wedding venue and talked about having children. Looking from the outside in, you'd think we were head over heels in love, and be jealous of us. Little did most people know we fought, a LOT. Despite how bad things got, or how angry he got, I never thought we would be over (according to my girlfriends I have the patience of a saint, and the drive to make anything work, no matter how tough it gets).

It was December 2015, I was at work and I remember getting this terrible gut feeling and got sick, so I left work early only to find him at home, packing all of his stuff and moving out. I was in University, and the middle of writing final exams. I felt like my entire world was falling before my eyes. How the f*** was I going to get through writing exams, figure out my living arrangements, and go back to University in 3 weeks? What do I tell my family during Christmas when they asked where he was? We were broken up for 6 months, only to try again. We would break up in a horrific shit storm, get back together, all good until the next hurricane. I was comforted by the chaos. I had to figure a way out of it all and figure out how to be happy.  January 2017 I had finally snapped and it was the last straw for us both. This would be the last time we'd ever break up!

Life goes on!!! 

After the break up I told myself I would give myself 2 weeks to grieve, which turned into 2 months. I started to be kinder to myself. I tried to jump back into coaching, and socializing. Only to realize I'M NOT READY! I'm not super woman, and I have come to learn that you have to OWN those feelings. I pushed myself to be "okay" when I wasn't. Remember when you board a plane and they tell you to apply your own mask before you try to help someone else? That applies to this situation as well! Don't try to be super woman and help others before you take care of yourself!

"Optimism is the belief that good things will happen to you and that negative events are temporary setbacks to be over come." -Mayo Clinic 

All of these things shaped me into the person I am today. We've all been there- waiting for him to change, to say he loves us, that he wants to be with us.. introduce is to his mother. Keep making excuses. I will make him better- emotionally capable loving us like normal, sane person would.

We both tried to be someone else to make the other person happy, and in the end we both wound up complete and utterly miserable. Ladies- you will never change a man. The best word of advice I have been given was "when you've had enough, you will know." And "there are 3 sides to a story. His side, her side and teh truth. Don't feel like you need to defend yourself. You did what you had to do, now move on and get happy!"

Did I honestly think I was worthy enough of our favorite hurricane fight?

Every relationship has its ups and downs. When you force someone to be who they're not, its never going to work. If someone is hurting you, making you feel like you aren't good enough, its time to hit the road! Take comfort in knowing you did the best you could. And maybe so did he! It usually boils down to you are both very different people who want different things. 

The best thing to do after a break up is to get to know yourself again. I could tell you every single detail of my ex's day, right down to what he ate for lunch, but if you had to ask me what my favorite color? Id have no idea! Now you get to learn from your past! And remember, at the end of teh day you have to make YOUR happiness a priority or teh relationship wont work. If you are miserable, there is no way in hell that relationship will stand a chance!

You deserve nothing but gold! You should be with a man who loves every single thing about you. Your smile, your passions, your quirks, your bad moods, your insecurities and your heart. Don't settle for anything that you don't feel the exact same way about.

Check back tomorrow to see how I over come all these shitty feelings and on the road to feeling and being f***ing fabulous!